Dear Intern: A Message from Your Predecessors

We challenged Balcom’s interns, Amanda, Gavin and Joey, to collaborate on an advice blog this month. Never mind that the three of them never work the same hours. “It’ll be fun!” we said, laughing maniacally. Here’s what they came up with, inspired by this Buzzfeed favorite.

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Dear Intern, since we have complained about you to everyone in the office at least twice, we must do our duty and introduce you to agency life as previous interns once did for us.

Dear Intern, we remember our first days at the B. Everyone seemed so normal. Enjoy it while you can.

Dear Intern, this is Intern Island. Either you came during the great deskpocalypse of 2014, or you’re not important enough to have a real desk. Either way, you’re stranded in the middle of the entire office where everyone hears everything you say…or whisper…or think.

Dear Intern, note the giant wooden triangle across from you that is occupying 92 percent of the office. You might notice a vast array of business people meeting there. We must warn you: They believe they have an invisible wall around them and you are not to hear anything they say. Simply keep looking at your screen, typing an imaginary sentence….over…and over…and over again.

Dear Intern, there’s this guy in the office, Taylor, who will call you “art intern” for a good three months. It’s not that he thinks you’re a peasant; he just genuinely has no idea what your name is. Don’t try to teach him; he’ll never learn.

Dear Intern, you might be wondering about the temperature. It never seems to be at a comfortable level, and this is for good reason. We believe the Bs are training us for a controversial new survivalist style of interning meant to test our limits in various climates. May the strongest survive.

Dear Intern, you might be wondering where the food is. Do not be mistaken: There are times when food makes itself available, but do not enter the Chamber of the Untouchables. Though it looks the same as the Icebox of Generosity, we assure you it is not. Eating from the forbidden refrigerator, although tempting, can result in soul-eating glares from your co-workers. Approach with caution.

Dear Intern, there are two elixirs the Bs consume, one of which comes in large black cylinders and is a scalding, dark tonic that makes everyone start talking and moving. Do not address any B before this liquid is absorbed. The second life-giving elixir only arrives on Fridays, or Thursdays, or whenever. These come in all varieties of colored containers, and as the Bs welcome it, they tend to start acting goofy…and happy…and goofy.

Dear Intern, we should warn you of the travesty that is the basement. It smells, it’s damp, and weird stuff grows on the walls down there. Seriously, we’re not sure if that’s mold or a crop circle. Attempting to avoid the basement is futile, as you’re going to have to spend some time down there cutting and mounting work. Please don’t cut your finger off. It’s happened.

Dear Intern, as you might have noticed, there are heavy sharp metal things on top of a very high wall. We’re guessing they are some sort of protective barrier against the undead. Or grizzlies. Either way, more have been added each year, so the danger must be growing. Look out for yourself, young Padawan.

Dear Intern, the glass fortress is a place of legend. We once heard of a man entering and coming out a god. But even though we may see them, they don’t see us. Just like limo tint.

Dear Intern, you will soon discover the torment that Bs refer to as “the phone.” We’ve all had our issues with this devil box full of lights and bells. Make sure you know everyone by first, last and nick names. If you do not acknowledge who Tommy Copernicus is, you will fail…terribly.

Dear Intern, one final note: Once in awhile, you might say something outlandish or get a little too ambitious with a project. Be wary; this could lead to Trey proclaiming loudly that you’re fired (Amanda has been fired at least 15 times). If he says it in a public setting, you’re probably good, but if he pulls you aside and says it…you might actually be fired.

 

So, Intern, welcome to Balcom; you’ll do just fine.